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Chapter 1 Caitlen

 

A gap year. That’s what the transcripts are going to call it, officially anyhow. My father, Lieutenant Augustus Colten of the United States Marine Corps made sure of it. Unofficially? It was what my grandma calls a nervous breakdown. Ha, nineteen years old, and I’ve already had a breakdown and a baby. Aren’t I a walking statistic, except I’m not, not really. I was doing well, great, in fact, until two years ago. That’s when it all changed for me. One fucked up night took all my hard work and tossed it all under the bus, all because I trusted a boy to take care of me like he promised he would. Well, wasn’t I a stupid girl?

 

***

 

I was seventeen and dating Todd Sterling. He was a Private First Class in the National Guard where we were stationed in Fallujah. I’d met him quite by accident, tripping over him as he was tying his shoe in the common room one afternoon. To say I was smitten by his charms was an understatement. I have always loved the looks of a boy in camo, and he was just a tad taller than me at five foot ten, had dark hair clipped into the standard high and tight, and caramel eyes that matched his uniform. He had just started his eighteen-month rotation and he was green, fresh from boot camp, and had that deer in the headlights thing going on. It was adorable. Me, I’m not a soldier, but I am a soldier’s daughter, so I knew the ropes, knew where everything was and made it my place to give him the tour. We spent the better part of those eighteen months inseparable. My dad loved him even if he was a part timer. See, unlike the full blown Army, Navy, or Marine Corps, the Reserves are not active all the time. They do little rotations, a couple weeks a year and one weekend a month training. The guys like my dad, who are all in, are just that, Soldiers all the live long day.

These reserve guys, though, they had a lot to learn. When his two-week break came up, he begged my dad to let me go with him back to the States. My father, not wanting to disappoint me, agreed, so long as my brother, Timothy went with us. Timothy was twenty-two and getting ready to ship out to Indonesia that fall, so this was going to be a last Hoorah for him. all was going well, until we got to Chicago.

Once there, all Todd wanted to do was party and go to the clubs. He checked the three of us into a hotel rather than go back to his mother’s house in town. When I protested, he was nasty to me, telling me to loosen up a bit and not to be such an uppity cunt. I couldn’t believe my ears! The hotel suite was sleazy, the walls painted red, the furniture all reeked of cigarettes and I had to open all the windows just to breathe right. It made my asthma act up something fierce. My brother thought it was all fine and dandy, though, even as I tried to tell him I thought this was going south really fast. Here I was, thousands of miles from my parents, with two idiots who just wanted to get drunk and stoned for the next two weeks.

I looked outside and the place had a pool. I had a full kindle, I could get a ton of checks on my reading list while these two did whatever they wanted. Fuck it. Whatever. I figured I didn’t have much choice in the matter.

A few hours into our fifth night there and the hotel was full of people, half of Todd’s Reserve unit that had his rotation had shown up, and I could barely see from all the smoke. The contact high was ridiculous and my brother was nowhere to be seen as I pushed myself out the patio doors, toward the terrace, just to clear my head. I found Todd with his arms around a thin blonde girl who hung all over him. He swung her and they looked at me.

“Really!” I blared, shaking my head, before storming off. He, of course, chased after me.

“C’mon babe, I’m sorry. I was just having a bit of fun. Here, have a beer.”

“You know I don’t drink, Todd.” I flatly and angrily answered him, trying to pull away. He held me firmly about the waist.

“Don’t you think it’s time you tried some new things? I mean we came all this way to have fun; it’s supposed to be your time for an adventure! All you’ve done is whine and read since we hopped on the plane!”

I sighed heavily, looking at him as he waved the innocent looking beer at me. “If I drink this, will you tell that blonde to go screw?”

“Fuck her! She’s wretched, skinny little twit. You know I like my girls with race car curves!” He ran his hand down my ample hips, squeezing my ass, fishing for a kiss. I turned my head, taking the beer from him. I took a long sip. It was sorta bitter, and the fizz surprised me. I damned near choked on it. So much for being smooth with my first ever drink. He cheered and ushered me into the living room area of the suite to play some game called beer pong. I’d been watching them play earlier that night so I got the gist of it, but when they made me play it seemed like the rules had suddenly changed and I was chugging a lot of beers.

It didn’t take long before the room got wobbly and I needed to sit and get some air. Todd and James, another guy from the reserves, helped me get out on the patio. As soon as the cool night air hit me, I leaned over the railing and all that beer spilled right on outta me. They just laughed at me! Then Todd held my hair back, saying something about water and a few minutes later I was swallowing pills and chugging the sweetest juice I’d ever tasted, but it left my mouth sorta numb afterward.

“C’mon baby. Let’s get you to a bed.” I remember hearing James snicker as Todd lifted me up into his arms. The next thing I remember is the two of them are in the room and they are kissing on me and feeding me drinks. I remember Todd taking off my shoes and then my pants.

I remember telling Todd I didn’t want to, then feeling the pillow as my face was shoved into it during the assault. They went at me together, laughing and slapping me around. James used his belt around my neck to hold me up so I’d choke. That’s the last thing I really remember before waking up all alone, in the middle of the hotel suite, in a puddle of my own blood and vomit, with a torn up American flag thrown over me like a death shroud.

I’d had an asthma attack and passed out, they thought I was dead, so those rotten sons of bitches just left me there. Timothy had gone off with a girl and arrived back just as I regained my senses. To say he was pissed and guilt stricken would be undercutting it. His first response, after taking me to the hospital to get help, was to go looking for Todd and his buddies. It was no use; we didn’t know where his mama lived. The police were called, a rape kit was done and I was admitted for my injuries. My collar bone had been fractured, and I was all torn up. Seemed Todd and three of his buddies had made a mess of me. I still have nightmares about it. Flashes that come to me in smoky rooms…

His commanding officers were also notified and the MP’s picked him up in Dayton, Ohio, drunk and strung out on coke and pills. We had to come back to the states for the trials. He tried to claim I instigated the whole thing, but during the trial a video surfaced that showed I was clearly passed out while James raped me.

About half way through the trial was when I found out I was pregnant. It was the nail in Todd’s coffin as he had claimed he hadn’t touched me. The DNA proved that the baby was his. They were convicted and given sixteen years each in a federal penitentiary for aggravated assault and rape.

I tried to be happy after that. I really did. The life growing inside me was a miracle, but I was hard on my body. In an attempt to regain control, I went off the rails sexually. My father almost had to resign when I was caught, seven months pregnant, between two officers in the middle of the afternoon on a boardroom table.

That’s when they locked me up the first time, until the baby came. She was a big girl, coming in at 9 pounds and twenty-one inches. After she came, I lost it completely. Between being a new mom and the postpartum depression, I just couldn’t handle it. They put me in the hospital for an extended stay. I’ve only been home for a few weeks and I’m just starting to get used to things again. It’s a process. At least that’s what the therapists kept saying at the hospital.

We’ve just moved to North Carolina, where my Dad is to be stationed at the base here. They finally offered him a cushy teaching position, which means no more traversing all over the world. I’ll miss it, the anonymity of it, I’m not sure I’m ready to try and put down roots and do this college thing. I mean I got into Duke, which is awesome, but I have a little girl to take care of now. Gloria means the world to me. If it hadn’t been for her, I don’t think I would be alive today…

Not after what happened. I’ve got to try and stay focused, take my medications, eat healthy and keep my exercise routine. I’m just glad they allowed me to see Gloria while I was in the hospital. I’d have hated for her not to know me as her mommy.

 

***

 

“CC?” My brother screams from down the hall. We live in one of those big single levels, four bedrooms, two and a half bathrooms and a nice fenced in yard for Gloria to play in. I think I may even talk to dad about a puppy. I think a Sheppard would be great for us all.

“Yeah, Tim?” I sullenly call back, going to my door to catch it before he rudely swings it open without my permission, as always.

“Um, you hungry? I was gonna run down to the pizza place and grab a slice. You wanna come?”

I scrunched my brows and nose at him. “I- I don’t think so. I have a lot of unpacking still to do, but you could bring me back a Stromboli with peppers, onions and sausage. You wanna take Gloria? Her stroller is all unpacked and I’m sure she’d love to go for a walk with Uncle Timmy.”

“Yeah, Okay.”

I opened my door. “Glory? You wanna go for a walk with Uncle Timmy?” I smiled and Gloria beamed, her auburn hair curling around her ears from her pigtails and her big amber eyes going even wider when she saw Tim. I loved her dearly, I just sometimes wished she didn’t look so much like her father.

“Uncle!” She squealed, putting up her hands and standing as he went to pick her up. She was just fourteen months old, and already running around like a pro, and with her floaties she was now learning to swim. I loved to listen to her talk and she was beginning to memorize the music to her favorite Disney movies. She really is the light in my life.

“You sure you don’t wanna come? It’s just down the street. It would do you good to get out of the house.”

I shook my head. “I’m tired, all I want to do is finish unpacking, take a long bath, and crash.”

He shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

“Suit yourself.” Gloria repeated with a raspberry blown at me.

I grabbed her by the tummy, tickling her and kissing her all over her little round face. “See ya later, alligator.”

“After a while, crock O’ dial.” She chittered back as Tim took her out.

I followed without them hearing me and padded into the kitchen for a drink, only to overhear Tim talking to my mother.

“So is she going with you?” My mother asked, concerned.

“Nope. Sending me off with Glory instead. Said she’s tired, but did ask for food, at least there’s that.”

“I suppose, but the Doctor’s said she needs to get out of the house more, that isolating isn’t good for her.”

“Ma, give her some time to adjust. Me and Pop have been here, on and off, for a while, but you guys just got here. Do you want her to wind up back in the hospital?”

My mother sighed heavily. “No, of course not.”

“Then stop pushing so hard and stop making us push her too. She’ll come round when she’s ready.”

My heart hurt to hear them talk like that. I knew that I should be getting better, that I should be more focused on breaking my bad habits, but good or bad, they called them habits for a reason.

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